One Less

Kansas City Star: Illustration of a person’s hand being tied up by the American flag. Courtesy of Kansas City Star. 2013

As I sit here and listen to my “Relaxation” station on pandora to cure my vexation, Piano Guys “thousands years” doesn’t fade out “J Cole’s “Be free”. It’s almost as if my mind has created some sort of a mash up between the two. “I could die a thousand times waiting…to be free”. There is nothing truer than that statement. I would even go as far as putting it in a history book next to all of the facts that we have been taught; From the first step off of the slave ship down to taking that lash from a whip when someone of my melanoid family spelled ‘Pensylvania’ the best they knew how when making the Liberty Bell. Accident? Not at all
likely! We have been making statements from the very beginning.

…but those statements come with a price? We are paying in blood as we always have. No matter how many degrees we hold, how many positions we may qualify for the darkness of our skill will always instill fear in “Americans”.

I am Mike Brown; almost daily I’m shot and left to see because I chose to walk in the street today. There is not an outing that goes by that my fiancé isn’t pushing me onto the sidewalk or placing himself closer to traffic. He calls me country for doing so but now I see it as an “it could have been me” situation.

I am Tamir Rice because I have an imagination. As a child I would play cops and robbers. I went as far as pointing a gun at imaginary bad guys in the distance. At the time I never knew that I was bad too because my skin displayed a darker hue.

I am Eric Garner because I sought help from the police to keep from being harassed.

My generation has been told time after time “you don’t know what we did to give you what you have today” but what do we really have?

We have the majority-they fear us and shoot from afar because they’re too afraid to come near us. We have modern day Emmett Till’s and George Stinny’s. We have men and women going to war for a country that doesn’t even allow us to use the front door. We have to work twice has hard to just be passed over and ignored more and more. That just about evens the score to what the prior generations thought they were fighting for.

So what can you do to make a difference? Be one less negro that’s bound by old chains. Keep all of the parts of you that God gave you. There’s no declaration that can give me more independence than what God has given me. I will continue to speak freely about those situations that may make the majority feel uncomfortable.

They (insert your group of choice/institution/organization) wish they could take my voice back!

Just Enga…

My biggest fear is that life will pass me by
Couldn’t even blink one eye
I like it here now
The grass, the leaves, the fog in the sky
Heaven reads well
But I’ve not walked on those paved gold roads
As I have the broken ones connecting me to other souls
I’ve not experienced the constant angels singing
Only here and again when I’m dreaming
but I’m happily awake
Wanting all the time I’m willing to take
Experience every “just” as timely as possible
And when I’m old allow my memories to be reliable.
Life-one day at a time and not in events
Because today is as young as it gets.

Just married will come, just argued exist
But I prefer my days to be like just met you with bliss!

How do you see?

“It’s better to light a candle than to curse the darkness”

I never thought anyone knew what it felt like to see through my eyes without glasses/contacts until last night. I showered and went to the couch to read in the dark (e-book of course). I can see things when they are close enough to my face so I didn’t bother putting on my glasses. I read on the couch most nights because I don’t want to wake Frankie. He’s always asleep way sooner than I am the least bit tired.

After I was done reading I shut off my pad and it was completely dark. I could have used my Ipad light to guide me to the bedroom but what can I say, I was sleepy and not thinking at this point. I used my arm to guide me so that I wouldn’t run into the bookshelf. To my surprise, I was rescued from injuring myself due to the absence of light. I couldn’t see Frankie standing in the door and I had no idea he was there. My response was “you could see me” and he replied “of course”. Moral of the story-I have my candle in the darkness. and he has 20/20. I was expecting to run into a wall and release a few unworthy words in my mind because of my less than perfect vision but because it is known how well I cant see as well as my reading routine I was granted a guide.

I must admit I, like many others, walk around in darkness even when the light is on. What I can see for others I cant’ always see for myself. Sometimes we have to have the courage to accept a walking stick. It doesn’t make you an old gimp. It makes you human. Lately I have needed a “walking stick” to get back to writing. I have been avoiding going anywhere near words because of the stress of publishing my first novel. What I noticed was that my vision worsened without writing. Putting letters together to form words is also a candle for me. It’s how I see the world and survive it. What ever it takes to get you through your darkest days do that!

Ambitious People-The double-edged sword of reality

How does one treat ambitious? Does it need to be medicated or given therapy? Does it need to be ignored in hopes that it just might go away? Should you feed it? I say yes-to all of the above but in different situations.

Ambitious people can be motivating or frightening and I feel the need to address them from a positive and a negative standpoint. I posted a blurb on my Instagram earlier today that reminded me to write about the ambitiousness of our own kind. Kudos to the author whoever they may be:

“The Cost of Ambition”

• Late Nights, Early Mornings.
• Lots of Associates, Very Few Friends.
• You will be misunderstood.
• You will be single unless you’re lucky enough to find someone who understands your lifestyle.
• People will want you to do good but never better than them.

…and for those reasons, you will do many things alone.

I must say I never thought being a writer would be anything to envy because we are all given a pencil and paper around the same age. But when you think about it, there’s something about being a writer that you know is God given. God chose some of the best to write the most known book in the world but I don’t need to take it there again. (If you need a reminder check my very first post) Just an example of what I am ambitious about. I am paying the price of ambitious in most of those ways. I chose to ignore the negative ones because the existence of it is inevitable. Positively ambitious people are good-keep them around, motivate them-even when you do not understand them. Put it into perspective with what you are most ambitious about and use it as a guide to understanding someone else.

Negatively ambitious people are the ones we have to worry most about. They are the “wolves in sheep’s clothing”, the you scratch my back and I’ll stab you in yours, or the I’ll do anything to see the light over the horizon types. As unfortunate as it is, these people exist. Negatively ambitious people are ambitious but they lack the talent to carry all of that ambition, so they must decide how to achieve their desires without it. It hurts for a little while once you’ve been betrayed but it goes away when you realized that there is something inside of you that the pseudo-friend, social climber yearns for.

Flat but ambitious- we need those types around because they push us and test our true strength. Can you remain on the positive side of ambition?

 

 

 

Starving artist complex…money is just a bonus

“It is better to risk starving to death then surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what’s left?”- Jim Carrey

I can not take the credit for what I am about to say because I was inspired by my sister/friend/fellow “starving artist”. She has so much to say and she doesn’t even realize it. She comes to me for answers that she already has. I don’t mind because I live for being needed…feeling needed. Thank you sister and always remember “nothing ventured nothing gained!”

I have been working since I was sixteen years old and having money has never been a possession that made me feel overjoyed. Maybe I associated money with my anger when I started getting a lot of it. Long story short my first bout of a lot of money was when my mom passed away. “Dear Ivory here’s more money than you’ve ever had to deal with your pain. I hope the monthly checks makes the pain go away.” Not even close and I blew ever dime the moment I got it.

Granted the things I buy now do make me happy when money is put in the perspective of exchange but it is temporary happiness; forgotten happiness until I see the item again.  That payment I never forget is what my words did for someone else. It never fades. Just like those mean things you hate to hear-inspiring words linger just as long. Having someone say “hey I get it” makes me feel like it’s possible for me to go outside and catch the wind.

If I never get paid in monetarily  for a thing that I write I just pray I’m continually paid with some attention.

signing off…a starving artist.

 

 

photo cred: via Philadelphia mag

 

Rags to britches

britches…riches…maybe another word- all based on how your spending makes you feel!

A humble beginning takes a new form when you really have a change to look back at. I can look way back and remember feeling different in reference to the way I dressed. Even though I still feel a bit different it’s now by choice…

When I was a kid my mom didn’t have excess money to buy me all those trendy things that most of my peers had. I can’t deny that I wanted them and it was saddening not to be able to get them. I wore many “second hand” items growing up and it was embarrassing if nothing else. When we were able to afford things I wasn’t the best at putting things together that looked nice. Those days eventually faded but my clothing background may have aided in molding me in who I’ve become although it may have taken quite a while.

Thankfully matching isn’t everything and overly matching may be a tad bit tacky in my opinion. Too many black/white combinations, half & half, checkers, and animal print,  in an outfit with not addition color is kind of ‘ick‘!  Second hand is my new first hand. I am in no way judging anyone on what they choose to do with their money because it’s all about choices. I’d much rather get more for my money.

Labels-I find it funny when people ask me “who are you wearing (any part of my attire)” and I get to respond saying no one major! I rarely wear named brand items. Not being the hand bag type saves me more money that one can imagine. If I find something of a major label when I am shopping and I like it, I’ll get it. Majority of the time I don’t even realize it’s a major brand until after I have already ‘liked it’ (inserts facebook Thumb) I refuse to go broke on labels because they don’t define me. Besides, I like to think I do a pretty good job without them since people seem to think I have something really expensive on majority of the time.

Challenge-mannequin shopping is so easy but is there any satisfaction in that? I’m not saying that I’ve never done it but what I can say is that I don’t do it anymore. I get a thrill out of putting things together as well as being able to walk down the street and not having anyone else have exactly what I have on. You might say that I have internalized the way I dress. It’s so much a part of who I am, my friends see it on hangers even when I am not around.

Size-how do I go there without stressing myself out? Simply put just be comfortable.  I have tried on items that were too small (contrary to your beliefs and snide remarks as reading this) and immediately I discard them. I absolutely love high waist items but some items can be too tight. I’m not going to suffer from health problems for a cute pair of pants-trust me it’s possible and I did not learn about it on webMD.

How do I accomplish my Rags to Britches Story?

1. I buy what I like-it makes me smile when my friends say this is something IVORY would wear
2. I like what I like-even when someone else doesn’t.
3. I still shop like I can’t afford to-I keep a budget $20 budget when I am shopping. (I mostly always leave without spending it all-talk about talented!) If you know me, you know that I enjoy traveling as much as shopping…it’s kind of hard to thrift a plane ticket-it all works out.

dress-$4.00

dress chiffon top- $3-5 worth of fabric  (sewing with my future mom in law EPIC)

clutch-$4.00

Bracelet-$0.00 (beloved Christmas Gift 2012)

My night in New York- Priceless

Quote: “if you can’t fit it don’t get it-size, style & price included”-Ivory

that’s my ‘Rewash’ spill for the day!

The incentive that can’t be spent at Tiffany’s

Why Tiffany and Co?

I don’t know. Possibly because it is highly desired as a symbol of true love. Tiffany’s holds one of the highest standards for gems. Maybe because once every girl reaches a certain age they dream of nothing more than to receive that teal box; no matter what size it is.  Any other store would not be as fit as Tiffany’s because none of the others seem to give the same satisfaction on the outside as it does the inside. The box would probably still be satisfying even it were empty. I think that would be a good way to give it to the one that desires it because the insides may be a perfect match; if all one is looking for is the symbolism of course. What about feelings?

Let’s face it; most of us are even more bankrupt by way of the soul than we are in our pockets. So we go out but the most expensive thing to give the person we claim to love in great hopes that they won’t figure out that we aren’t giving it our all. Can we really afford the purpose of why Tiffany’s was designed? Love Stories that is…

I want my love story to be read in admiration. I want the reader to think “gee whiz they really like each other” or something corny like that. I want to be the Tiffany’s box that was given to my person of interest. I want to give that satisfaction when I open my mouth to speak that an adorning woman may get when she receives something from Tiffany’s. I want to be all of those things even if I am not getting it in return. This way of life is for more than that expressed to a significant other. Having this purpose with family and a platonic friend requires the same amount of work and upkeep. Learning to live in such a way is foolproof in my opinion. That sacrifice and dedication is bound to be reciprocated in some point in life.

The jewels that Tiffany’s send out are so beautiful. I know I want the person I share my time with to really get my time and be able to know that the jewel that is given to me is deserving of the beauty. There is no such thing as caring too much, giving too much or even feeling too much. The giving is that incentive that can’t be cashed in at Tiffany’s. That incentive can continuously be worked at and will always be rewarding. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. That incentive can’t be bought in stores, it can’t be sold and it is not manmade. You can’t fit that much “pow” on a pedestal.

Tiffany’s isn’t going to send out a diamond that they put half the work in. They won’t send out a diamond that was broken beyond repair. I’m sure the company puts the utmost work in each gem because it is different; because it is special. Why should you be allowed to do anything otherwise? That purpose that was created in you, created for you is just as precious. The person you are supposed to be “working” for is a diamond just like the ones that are on display each and every day at Tiffany’s; your girls’ favorite store.

We would like to believe that once someone is given a token of our love they will stay with us forever. Memories, maybe but the physical presence we want is no match for the absence of another. Life teaches us to work hard and give our all at work so we can make a way to support those we love but if love is not reciprocated those long hours won’t make a difference at all. I think the roles should be changed. Easier said than done, because the world has operated on the “work first love later” scale for longer than I’ve known either terms existence.

If we reverse those roles in life I see something great happening that the world has tried so hard to rob us of. It isn’t hope because often time hope drives us away from that ultimate purpose. “I hope she will still be there because I was planning to love her later” or “I hope he will be ok that I didn’t hug him today because I was running late”. Hope isn’t always the answer. Doing is the answer because sometimes those things that take a second to do can make or break the spirit of a person.
No you can’t go in Tiffany’s and Co and tell the clerk “I’d like to purchase that beauty with my love” but you can make sure that your purchase is being made with what Tiffany’s products symbolize. Become so rich in spirit that the dollar you’re working for is not match for what you’re getting out of it. It is a luxury to have a Tiffany’s jewel just the same as it is a luxury to feel love. Some people perish without having either. Just because one is capable of being loved doesn’t mean they know how to accept it. Accepting the gift of love has to be cut, shaped and taken care of just like any other precious jewel. I challenge you to make your Tiffany’s box, whether given or received, count as more than a story but a life. Invest in yourself before you expect someone else too. Even the Tiffany’s box, empty or full, will cost a pretty penny. Fill the box that your soul lives in with thing you can’t purchase the box with. Love- living on the verge of eternity. Love is the only way to live forever.

That girl is a mean….SHUT YO’ MOUTH!!!!

I am the REFORMED mean girl (not to be mistaken for Regina George)…not to be confused with the wimp, the pushover or any other person that may be easily taken advantage of. I am sensitive; as an artist why wouldn’t I be? Being a sensitive person means that I take almost everything personally, even something as simple as a TV show. I am attempting to remove myself from these things but I must admit, those tasks are much harder that my reformed ways if I may. I may even try a bit less because I believe that those ways make me more in tune with everything around me. I no longer consider myself mean or angry, but honest to a fault.

BUT back to this reformed self I was talking about…I have had my ways. They are hard to let go because my mindset was ‘try to hurt me and I will show you I can do it better to you’. That gets old after a while because really who has time for that? The better mindset to have is to show a person they cant hurt you. What gets me through it? Psalms 29:11 Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. I must admit, I was a fool. Probably the most foolish of all fools. If I am going to allow my loved ones to tell me that I am wise beyond my years it’s time I let go of that anger. My anger did not come from waking up one day and saying “I want to be MAD”  I had so much practice in being upset. For the longest time, it was one of the only things that I considered myself good at. I’m thankful that I am catching on young because the last thing I want is wrinkles. (Black don’t crack..they say)

What gets me through it is what I hear when no one is around. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit-Psalms 34:18 and prior to now you couldn’t convince me that my heart was not broken beyond repair. My spirit has been tangled up and turned black due to those “life happens” things or in my case life doesn’t. Its no secret…I miss her. I shouldn’t have ever allowed her absence to be a driving force behind my anger but I know better now right? I’m getting there.

I wasn’t born to be a mean girl… but someone knew I could get past it. Not fully there but I’m going to get there. I believe God gave me one of the most taken-for-granted talents in this world. What is the oldest profession you know? The one I know is that of a writer. The oldest book in the world is the Bible and I know God wouldn’t give me this outlet in vain.  I will continue to write out my hearts desire whether it be pain or joy. Even if I only reach one, that one being myself, I will have achieved to move words beyond the captivation of my mind. If I get lost in my ways give me a nudge because I need that sometimes.

Inspiration Quote- You don’t know how heavy something is until you’re no longer carrying it around-Ivory McCray

...help me help you let it all go